Monday, March 12, 2007

Baby Phobia.

My dear friend Kim finally had her baby the other day. A couple hours after she got home from the doctor with orders to get ready to go to the hospital for an induction, she went into labor. Clearly, this kid wants things her way or no way. She must take after me.

I visited the hospital to check on Kim and Kim Jr. After chatting for a while with her, Baby Daddy, and Baby Grandma, the dreaded question was asked: "Do you want to hold her?"

Me: Ack! I'm scared of babies. And they're scared of me, too. I might drop her.
Baby Grandma: You won't drop her.
Me: Babies wiggle. She might just wiggle right onto the floor.
Baby Grandma: She's too little to wiggle! Don't be afraid.

So, rather than be shown up by an infant, I reluctantly agreed to hold her. They handed me a tiny little pink football and snapped some pictures while laughing at my complete and total awkwardness and ineptitude with children. Luckily for both me and Kim Jr., she didn't move an inch. But she did make an awful face at me.

Me, responding to the awful face: Kim Jr., I know you don't really like me right now. But when you're 16 and I buy you beer, you'll love me. Just wait.
Kim: You can buy her beer when she's 21.
Me: I'm sure you're praying that she's not like you were when you were a teenager. But, turnabout is fair play!
Baby Daddy: And she's not dating until she's 35!
Me, whispering to Kim Jr. (as if she understands a word of this): Don't worry, you can bring boys to my house. I won't rat you out to the parents.
Kim: Don't you think it might be a little suspicious when Aunt LST lives 50 miles away and is babysitting for her when she's 17?
Me, to Kim Jr.: I guess we're not gonna win this one, kid.

I got back to my dad's house and he asked me about the baby and how Kim was doing, etc. The funny thing about my dad is that he seems to think that engagement and pregnancy are illnesses that can spread through person-to-person contact, at least where I am concerned. After every wedding I go to, he asks if it gave me "wedding fever." "Of course it didn't," I say. His response is usually something like, "Thank fucking Christ."

So of course, during Kim's pregnancy he was definitely concerned that it might somehow rub off on me. After I threw her a shower a few weeks ago, he asked, "So does this mean you want a baby?" And my response was a resounding, "Hell no!" much to his relief.

Despite my phobia of babies and children, I'm starting to warm up to the idea of being "cool Aunt LST," the one who lets Kim Jr. drink at my house when she's spending the night, teaches her how to drive a five-speed, and convinces Kim and Baby Daddy to let her get a dog. This situation might work out pretty well, I think.


mpbstereo said...

The corruption of other people's children is a better deal than having your own little mind(s) to corrupt. All the fun, without the consequences... Unless you REALLY make an impression, then you might get a phone call from said little mind's parents asking to explain why Jr. smells like happy hour.


A future client said...

"lets Kim Jr. drink at your house ... and ... teaches her to drive a five-speed", huh? Good thing you'll be a lawyer by then!

BabyBarista said...

Just a note to tell you that The Times newspaper has recently asked to host my blog and so my new web address is . My links list (with your site on it) will hopefully be put up in the next few days.

Very best wishes,