They Actually Let Me Out of Here!

Though belated, I thought it fitting to post a bit about graduation. The whole weekend was mostly a whirlwind, due partly to all the people coming into town and events going on, but mostly to the massive quantities of alcohol I consumed over the course of 48 hours.

Aside from stressing about cleaning my house and making sure all my guests had breakfast and hot water for showers, the foremost concern in my mind was not falling when I crossed the stage in my mammoth stiletto heels (hey, a girl's gotta have cute shoes to balance out the ridiculous-looking graduation attire). This should come as no surprise to most of you, being as I am a walking calamity and all.

As we lined up to receive our symbolic empty diploma tubes that represent three years of our lives gone and thousands of dollars in debt to be paid over the next twenty years, I became increasingly nervous about the prospect of face-planting in front of hundreds of people. First I thought I was going to pee myself. Then I thought I might throw up. Falling would not be something I could live down. No one would remember that I graduated from law school; no, they would remember that I fell on my face and got a plywood splinter in my forehead while graduating from law school.

Here is photographic evidence that I successfully crossed the stage, received my meaningless tube, shook no less than half a dozen hands while attempting to smile, all the while NOT falling:

A momentous occasion, y'all.

A justice from the state supreme court spoke about things we should keep in mind as we enter the legal profession, like the importance of character, morals, a sense of humor, and some other stuff that I don't remember because I dozed off (but I'm pretty certain involved an eightball of cocaine).

The highlight of the ceremony, however, was our class president's speech. This is the same guy who emcee'd the Law Revue wearing drag and delivered a rousing version of "Copacabana" and was voted Most Likely to Be Involved in a Sex Scandal While Running for Office. Needless to say, his speech was highly entertaining and peppered with quotes from "Legally Blonde" and remarks on recent national tragedies, namely the recent season of "American Idol." Being that this is the Deep South and approximately half of the members of the audience were clad in at least one item of seersucker, I am certain that Preston caused at least five strokes and/or heart attacks. I approve wholeheartedly.

And now that I'm officially done with law school, I have to prepare for the bar exam, which is a mere seven weeks away. In the meantime, I'll wait patiently for the university to send me my $90,000 piece of wall candy.

And the bitch of it all is, even though I suffered through three years of law school and managed by some miracle to graduate, I'm still not a lawyer -- I'm just a slacker with a J.D.