Thursday, December 14, 2006

Falling Off the Turnip Truck

Well, yesterday was my last final. Which means I'm officially 83.3% done with law school and can relax for a couple of weeks before heading into the home stretch.

After my brain was thoroughly and completely raped for three straight hours yesterday morning, I headed wearily back to my car in the parking deck. For some reason, the book buy-back people had a booth set up. Since I didn't want to lug my now-useless Natural Resources textbook an entire flight of stairs up to my car, I thought I'd see if it was worth it to sell it.

Me: Hi. I just want to see what your buy-back price is for this. I am not making a definite offer to sell it to you, I just want to see what you think it's worth.

[I didn't want to have this kid screaming promissory estoppel at me when I refused to relinquish the book for pennies.]

Textbook Buy-back Asshole: That one is eleven dollars.
Me: Eleven dollars?? Are you serious? It cost a hundred and eleven dollars brand new.
TBA: Yes. Eleven dollars.
Me: I was born at night, but I wasn't born last night.
TBA: It's eleven dollars. Do you want to sell it?
Me, indignant: No! I'd rather carry it the rest of the way to my car than sell my dignity for eleven freakin' dollars!

Jebus. They must think people are really desperate to get rid of their books, because I know I can sell it on Amazon for at least fifty, if not more.

Good job, textbook assholes. Just one more way to fuck students in the ass and somehow have them thank you for it.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Dear Classmates,

To those of you who put up away messages such as, "WOW! I am SO GLAD I'm done with finals!" or "Done! Off to drink myself retarded and then pass out in the gutter!" or "YAY! I am done with finals so I can finally take a shower and catch up on everything I've TiVo'd!": Fuck you.

I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to hear how joyous you are to be able to emerge from the lawbrary for the first time in two weeks.

As luck would have it (and, coincidentally, as luck would have it every damn semester), I had a final on the very first day of finals, and I have one on the very last day of finals.

So, until I am finally done and can share in the celebration, kindly keep it to yourselves.


Saturday, December 02, 2006

A Letter to Pete Carroll

Dear Pete (I hope it's okay if I call you Pete),

I just wanted to let you know that I thoroughly enjoyed watching your over-ranked, overrated, spoiled brat Trojans get beat by the unranked UCLA Bruins this evening. Although it does not take much at this point to distract me from studying for Secured Transactions, I consciously disregarded my academic duties in order to watch you lose. It gave vastly more pleasure than would a workable knowledge of Article 9.

Pete, you have to admit it's been coming for a long time. The commentators have been whispering about it for some time. After so many near misses (despite a very poor strength of schedule), it was inevitable.

The fact that your team is vastly overrated is not the only reason that I hate y'all. You and your team have consistently shown not only a massive sense of entitlement, but also a shocking lack of class. Annoyingly overrated Matt Leinart, who is, notably, currently whiling away his days as a mediocre pro QB for the Arizona Cardinals, refused to give kudos to Vince Young after the Longhorns topped the Trojans in the National Championship last year. Even worse, he went so far as to suggest that he was the one deserving accolades.

Fast forward to today, Petey. In the last few minutes of the game, when it was clear you were going to lose, one of your players started hitting the UCLA ball carrier in a desperate and shameful move that should have been clearly called a personal foul. And after your stunning loss to UCLA, Coach Dorrell had to come all the way over to your sideline to shake your hand. He appeared gracious and humble. You looked disgruntled. Way to be good sportsmen.

Come play in the SEC, ACC or any other conference that doesn't have a bunch of pussies in it, and your team might actually be revealed for what it is. Until then, I hope you wake up tomorrow with the taste of defeat still in your mouth.

Lots of love,



Bar Application Fee: $300

Cashier's Check Fee: $8

Motor Vehicle Report: $7

Fingerprinting at the Police Station: $12

Floppy Disks: $3.41

Express Mail Postage: $14.40

Having my Bar Application finally done: FUCKING PRICELESS.