Thursday, February 22, 2007

Marriage: The World's Oldest Profession

I am getting to the regrettable point in every young woman's life where all of her friends are simultaneously married off. I have good reason to think I should expect a barrage of fancily stamped, foiled, embossed and engraved invitations to land in my mailbox over the course of this summer.

Being a future lawyer, I'm a desirable guest on my friends' list when they conduct their financial calculus as to who will provide the best payoff in the food-and-booze-to-gift-ratio. Or so they think. In reality, I'm taking a government job while trying to juggle getting a mortgage and paying off my student loans. If this information was widely known in my circle, I'd certainly be cut from the guest list in the first round.

Apparently marriage has become a booming business in this country. While I have been quietly purchasing nice things for my kitchen when I have the extra cash to do so, I realized one Cuisinart and a set of Henkels too late that all I had to do was get engaged and register for whatever the hell I want, and other people would buy it for me. I clearly missed the memo on that one.

Pretty soon I'm going to be priced out of my friends' weddings, so I've started to develop a wedding fiscal strategy.

First, I am going to set a budget each year for wedding expenses, and when that budget has been reached, decline invitations to any weddings for the rest of the fiscal year. So, if you want me in attendance at your wedding, make sure to either a) get married early in the year, or b) register for cheap shit and pay for my hotel room.

Next, I'm consulting with some tax-savvy law students to figure out how I can make this shit tax-deductible. I am certain that many people spend far less money supporting a child (which can currently be itemized) than I anticipate spending on wedding-related expenses in the next couple years.

Finally, I have realized that in order to equalize this cost-benefit ratio, I need to fast for three days before attending any wedding and carry a large purse so that I can take full advantage of the buffet. As an aside, your chances of securing a positive RSVP from me improve exponentially if you assure me that you will have an open bar with a ready supply of Amstel and Stoli.

And for those of you whose weddings I have dutifully attended (or will attend), gift in hand, please note that I am graduating in May, and as such I have registered down at the local Infiniti dealership.

6 comments:

Anastasia said...

The best is buying a wedding gift for a marriage that you don't think will last longer than a few years. I was a diligent gift-giver for awhile, but after ten or so, I decided to only attend and gift for close friends. I saw little-to-no point in spending $75 on someone I knew only socially and ran into at cocktail parties.

Be forewarned though - getting through all the weddings doesn't mean the gift-giving season is over. After this they start having kids! Plus, they STOP sending you birthday gifts because well, you know, they've got kids and a mortgage and other stuff to pay for.

I like the gift-giving idea for graduation though - hmmm...

Law School Transplant said...

You're totally right. I've become convinced that weddings are nothing more than gift-whoring in the majority of cases.

Even Martha-freaking-Stewart said on her show that young brides are "greedy."

As cliche as it may seem, I'm having a Carrie Bradshaw moment here.

Marc said...

I made more cash money on my high school graduation night than all the 17 christmases that preceded it put together. Only such family gathering where all envelopes had my name on it with cold, hard, legal tender cash inside.

I figure if the next such family gathering in my honor is my wedding, I'll up the ante on the customary $50 in the bride's garter and make some (future) nephew of mine happy when he elbows all his (future) uncles in the groin in a mad scramble for the lace covered cash!

I will be attending my college roomie's wedding in October, first such of my stateside friends to the tie the knot. Other than contributing to the bachelor party, I really don't know what to get him.

Not like one can bring a Cuisinart on a plane... I'll let you know what happens and contribute to the "International Weddings" footnote in your wedding fiscal strategy.

Marc said...

I made more cash money on my high school graduation night than all the 17 christmases that preceded it put together. Only such family gathering where all envelopes had my name on it with cold, hard, legal tender cash inside.

I figure if the next such family gathering in my honor is my wedding, I'll up the ante on the customary $50 in the bride's garter and make some (future) nephew of mine happy when he elbows all his (future) uncles in the groin in a mad scramble for the lace covered cash!

I will be attending my college roomie's wedding in October, first such of my stateside friends to the tie the knot. Other than contributing to the bachelor party, I really don't know what to get him.

Not like one can bring a Cuisinart on a plane... I'll let you know what happens and contribute to the "International Weddings" footnote in your wedding fiscal strategy.

angela said...

You should've shot for the Mercedes dealership.

angela said...

I just wanted to let you know that I've changed the link to my blog from http://oculaw.blogspot.com to http://socalledlaw.blogspot.com :)